I’ve gone missing from my blog for about a year. People have asked where I’ve gone, what I’m doing or even if I’m still doing weddings. Part of it is that I became so incredibly busy with weddings and brides that maintaining the blog began to rival my toaster on the List of Pepper Priorities. The main reason for the blog slip is that I’ve been struggling with the slow and sometimes painful march of change, and to be honest, it’s difficult for me to write something peppy and upbeat when I’m feeling down in the dumps. Not that my blog needs to be peppy and upbeat all of the time, but since this is a WEDDING blog, and I am a WEDDING photographer and frankly, I thought I should wait a bit. At least until the rawness of it wasn’t so, you know, raw. But here’s my story.

Last summer and after some significant change, my faith in marriage, in love, and in weddings themselves, became a bit battered. Maybe it happened suddenly, or maybe it happened when I wasn’t paying attention, I’ll never know, but that summer my hope and my faith took a serious hit. (The specifics of this change are really boring.   You’re trucking along, then there is a breakdown somewhere along the way and you only just realize it, but it throws you and changes your plans.)

I have always believed that what I do for a living is something wonderful – I document the most important day in a relationship – its birth. I am there at the very beginning, and because of the work that I do, people will be able to remember that day. Because of what I do, generations who are not yet here will be able to look at these pictures and realize what happened at the beginning. I believe that what I do is very important, and in all the fun and playful joy that my work entails, I take my job very seriously. And I seriously have fun doing it!

So I was seriously concerned at the time, because I only had 6 days to somehow recover from this change and do a fabulous job for my bride in such a short time. Her name is Jani, and she is wonderful and beautiful and kind, and she was so excited to have me as her photographer. I have never once thought I wouldn’t do a great job for a bride. But everything I do is based on my belief system, that love is real, and that all I have to do is be ready to catch that fleeting moment to document it, to preserve it forever. But my faith in love was a bit battered and for an artist in the wedding industry, that can be a bad thing.

My road to healing all started that same week with Jani & CJ. I worked hard that morning to do my job and to do it well, but internally I was struggling. I was listening to them taking their vows to be loyal and true, and at the same time frantically listening to the advice the priest gave [there must be something in this sermon that might save me from this change!]. But I was just sad, and I really don’t fake my emotions very well. When I am happy, you know it. And when I am sad, you know it. And I was very very sad, listening to this beautiful ceremony, and wondering what it all was for, questioning my purpose.

The ceremony was over. And the most remarkable thing happened. As Jani and CJ were walking down the aisle, smiling and laughing, they got to where I stood at the end of the aisle. (This is the point at which each and every of the 385 weddings I’ve photographed smiles at me and keeps walking.) Jani & CJ stopped right outside of the chapel, kissed, and then turned to me and hugged me! It was a great bone crushing hug, and the three of us laughed and cried, and they told me how happy they both were that I was there to share this day with them. It was my favorite moment at a wedding ever. EVER. I realized something very important in that moment. Though life as I knew it was crumbling, and my perception of things were changing, love itself was not shattered. Love was not dead! Love was VERY REAL, and it’s different for each person. And just because it was changing for me did NOT mean that it wasn’t real, present and very much alive!

The whole week I had thought that I needed to get happy to go to the wedding and do my job. But the truth was that I needed to go to the wedding to be happy again.

In that moment, Jani and CJ, you restored my faith in love and in marriage. You reminded me that weddings are important, that what I do is important! That day, I told you both how much you meant to me, and I told you that one day I’d tell you the story why. And that’s the story. I was the lowest of low and you reminded me of the joy and the passion that every bride and groom feels. And that it is real. I am eternally grateful to you both, and I wish you much happiness and success!

So that was it. No matter what was going on in my personal life, I have had a wonderful year with my brides, witnessing, reveling and capturing their love. I have been able to love, and to hope, and to rejoice at each wedding along with my brides. I am so grateful to all of you, you will never know how much I have loved being able to bask in the glow at each ceremony.

So here’s what is up with me. Things are new. Things are slightly different. I believe in marriage and my part in it. I’m a mom, and I’m going to teach my son the importance of marriage. And at every ceremony I go to, I feel that sense of hope when I see the bride walking down the aisle. I silently cheer inside, a big YEAAAAAAAA!!!!! when the couple kisses at the end. I have the best job in the world, I really do. Hello, my name is Pepper. I’m newly single, and I am an excellent wedding photographer. I believe in weddings, I believe in marriage, and I most definitely believe in love. And I will forever be grateful to Jani and CJ, for lifting my spirits that day, for sharing their joy with me and reminding me of what I have known all along.

I thought this would be a sad and difficult post to write, but as I write it I’m looking at the picture of them walking down the aisle, and remembering how I felt with that great big hug! It was too magical to feel anything other than awesome.

OK, so new year, new blog format, new ideas, new Pepper. Sure, I’m a single mom now, so I may not have as much time to spend on blog posts as I did in the past. But there will be a lot more of them, but they may be much much shorter, showing just a couple or even a single image. A snack sized version if you will. But like most things in small packages (babies, diamonds, candy), I can promise it’ll be a yummy, sweet and something to savor.