Hi guys.  I thought I would be writing about the fun I had in New York for Bridal Fashion Week or about all of the amazing weddings I’ve been able to photograph in the last few weeks, but I can’t right now.  I’m in Minneapolis [where I grew up] doing a horrible job of falling asleep.  I’m headed down to Davenport Iowa in a few hours to attend my Grandmother’s wake.

I don’t know what a wake is, I’ve never been to one before.  I have had the incredible fortune [or just an amazing gene pool] to be 32 years old and still have all 4 of my grandparents with me.  Or I did at least.

Grandma passed away.  My dad’s mom.  We started a special club when I was 8 called the 23 Club.  You could only be in it if your birthday was on the 23rd of the month.  Unfortunately, now I can’t remember what month hers was in.  November maybe?

I’m not sure how to feel.  Part of me says I should watch what I say on a public forum, in case my other Nix relatives follow my blog.  On the other hand, it feels very good to say what is on my mind.  I am angry with my grandma.  I feel a deep sadness and regret that she is gone, and that I feel like I never really got a chance to know her properly.  In the past 20 years, I believe I have spent less than a month with her.  Part of that is my fault, I don’t deny it.  At some point in my adult life, I could have said, Hey, I need to get to know my grandma better!  But I didn’t.  I was angry and hurt.  I am conflicted.  Do I out my grandmother publicly and say You were not the most loving and caring grandmother you could be!  Or accept that maybe she cared about me and showed affection as best she could, as best as she knew how.

I guess the question is this really.  Do I think my grandmother cared about me?  That is a yes.  Did she makes mistakes, or not even that, major missteps?  Yes, but we all do, me especially…  I just don’t know if these tears are for her or for me.

Anyway, the blog is postponed until I get back.  If you are trying to get a hold of me, I have my phone, but honestly, if it could wait until Friday that’d be great.  Email is much better this week.  If you have an emergency, I do have employees in the office taking care of your orders and albums, so please feel free to email.  Thank you for your patience.  If we have a meeting this week, someone will be calling you to reschedule.

Pep

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 at 1:21 am and is filed under Your Moment of Zen. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.