My Grandma passed away 2 weeks ago.  We had a funeral and everyone flew into town and it was supposed to bring about some closure and peace.  For me, it didn’t.  So I wrote a very long post on my blog, this blog, about my feelings and everything i was thinking, and basically coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t really know this woman and so I found it difficult to mourn her passing.  I wrote that, and I felt a bit better.  Somehow airing out my dirty laundry very publicly, really helped me.  And then the emails started.

Other family members who were very happy I had written what I did, happy to know they weren’t alone in their own strange grief process.  And other emails, not so happy with me, questioning why I had written what I had and done so in such a public way.  My dad was one of those people.  I love my dad very much, and I would hate to cause him any sort of pain, and I offered to take down the post.  He said that was not necessary, but he would like to write his own farewell to his mom, and he would like me to post that as well.  So for those of you who are interested, grab some tissues, here is my daddy’s farewell to his mom.  I found it to be touching, very sad, and very revealing of the incredible man that my father is, and the woman who helped shape his formative years.

To:                    Mom

From:               Mike  [AKA Ken]

Subject:            Good Bye from Your Son

Dear Mom,

I know I probably should have had this conversation with you earlier and well now it is a bit late.  To be honest, this chat is more for me and those I love.    I don’t know if you knew I was with you during your final days here on this earth – then again – that probably doesn’t matter either.  I was there and I was thinking about you, your life and our life together.  I was appreciative that your final days could be in peace with those that I know you loved.  You had to love us because only a mother could.  Because of my faith, I know you are in a far better place today.  I wish you could tell me what you see, not so much for my benefit as I do have a firm belief in Christ but for those I love.

Lap 1 (up to 1945).

Life is a 4 lap race – as a former distance runner and miler owning the family record of 4:38  – you just have to trust me on that.   Like must races, you start out a bit on the slower side and gain speed (and wisdom) until the end.  I was not around for your 1st lap but would guess it was pretty much normal.  It all stared for you in Akron, Ohio.  Grandpa was working for International Harvester in Springfield Ohio.  Did you know that I worked at the Springfield plant during the summer of 1969?   I am guessing about the time you turned 9 things got a bit interesting with that thing about the “Great Depression”.   I wonder how that impacted someone so young.   I look at my life today with a 3,000 sq. ft. home for Terri and I, 3 cars and a motorcycle in the garage, 3 bedroom and 4 bathrooms and 5 color TVs.   I can only guess things were a bit different as you grew up in the 1930s.  I know that your dad worked at International Harvester in Fort Wayne and that you met Dad at a bookkeeping class your senior year in high school.  It must have been fun to double date with your best friend Joanne as you dated best friends, Joe Jehl and Ken Nix.   I can only imagine what dad was like during those years.   His dad died in 1935 at the height of the Depression with 9 younger brothers and sisters.  I don’t know what “dirt poor” was during that time but got to believe they were close.  Got to wonder what kind of dates you guys went on.   It was hard to believe that you waited until dad was out of WWII in April of 1945 to marry but guess you both were far too practical.   I guess you want to make sure that I had a dad to help raise me.  Smart thinking.   I could not have made it where I am today without you and dad both in my life.

2nd Lap (1945 – 1975)

The 2nd lap is where I came in with my brothers and sister.   1948 was not such a great year except for me, Stan (The Man) and the guy who invented the TV.   I don’t recall much from those early years.  I do remember living in North Carolina, visiting DC and having dad chase a bat around the house on 15th street with his tennis racquet.  With grandma and grandpa Reilman living next door, it was nice to visit as they had the TV and I could watch my favorite show, “Howdy Doudy Time”.   Life moved on to Davenport Ave where Jim and Dave joined the clan.   My only family memories turn to what seemed to be endless camping, camping and more camping.  How could a guy have asked for anything more?   3 to 4 times a summer we went camping.   We had our single wheel Hi-Lite camper and camped all over the US.  1958 took us to see a Braves game in Milwaukee.   That was the time that dad got his car keep stuck in the tail gate of the Ford Station Wagon.  Clearly the 1960 trip to Seattle was the summer vacation “highlite” with the McGuires – a bit overly planned – but very memorable.  It seemed that Colorado was our second home and I must attribute those summer trips West to my love for the mountains and my desire to end my time here on earth in the West.

I did not know it at the time, but later realized that you were not a good cook.  I always wondered why I loved hot dogs at the golf course only to realize years later that it was they way the buns were cooked.  Sorry to say but your meat loaf and boiled hot dogs with oven baked buns will be a life long memory.  Having said that, my fondest daily memories were our evening meals – every evening – never failing – you did cook and put a dinner on the table for our family.   I can only guess it was a thing of the 50s – but every evening we had a hot meal on the table and as a family – we all had dinner.  Dinner discussions were limited to – whatever – but we did enjoy the time – sorry to say – not the food, but -we didn’t starve and no one died.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any personal warm fuzzy memories from that lap of the race.  I can only guess that was because I was a guy and hung out with dad.  My most caring memory of that time was the night Dennis Potter died on my motorcycle.    You later visited Dennis Potter’s mother after the funeral and recall that you were thrown out of their home.  I don’t’ believe that I could have made that visit.  I never thanked you.

This lap ended with college and my time in the army.  There was nothing memorable about either.  Again, I never said thanks for you and dad sending me $5 a week spending money – it was surely not much – but it was all I had.  Christmas 1973 in Salt Lake City was special to me.  You met Bobbie for the 1st time.   It was nice to have the whole family together visiting my home – and watching the Irish play Alabama.  Sports!   During that 10 years after high school graduation and when I got married, this part of my life was mostly only about me.  I did not call home much and surely didn’t visit at all – I was on my own and living for myself and truly didn’t think much about family.   I was making my mark and quite frankly did not need any help from anyone – thank you!   You and dad had family responsibilities putting Jim and Dave through college and I was enjoying the West and my freedom from Iowa.   If you had tried to reach me – I can pretty much assure you that I would not have been listening much during those 10 years.  I was free in the West and in need of nothing.

Lap 3 (1975 – 1996)

The 3^rd of this race is by far the most difficult.   Being a “miler”, this was the lap I hated.   It was so difficult to stay focused.  This was the endurance part of the race – and we all endured.  This lap was about my family, Bobbie, Pepper and Roderick.

I never intended to leave our family Church, but during services one Sunday at the U of U Newman Center in 1973, the priest told us all that if we didn’t fully believe everything about the faith, we should not be there.   Unfortunately, I took him a bit literally never returned.     Sometime shortly after that I met Miss Bobbie.  When it looked like we were thinking about marriage, we began talking about religion.  I tried to tell her how I was raised and my faith.  You and dad were such strong Christians.   You and dad were such wonderful examples of Christian living and had taught me very well.   I was a Christian and would never deny my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.   I joined the other Church and I have been trying to tell you why for the past 30 years.   I will stop trying for now – but will not give up the battle.

During this lap I have to say that I was pretty much “zoned out” of life in general.  I never read a book on how to be a father, but I was determined to do one thing and that was to constantly tell my wife and my children how much I love them.  You may have told me growing up, I just can’t recall it – as we all know – listening was never my strong suit.    I don’t know if I ever told you but I never even asked Miss Bobbie to be my wife if you can imagine that.   Unfortunately this “church” thing pretty much dominated that lap of the race for you, dad and me.  I felt sad that you and dad did not get to know my children better.  They are really wonderful people and have grown to be very strong adults, each in their own way.    I don’t think that you and dad ever got over me leaving the faith , even though I believed I raising up my children in the way the Lord and the manner you would have wanted.  Unfortunately, and guessing totally due to religion, most all highlights on this lap were kind of “low lights” regarding our relationship.  We both still had a lot of growing and learning to do in life.

My wedding was the lowest time and something I never got over.  I can you guess you didn’t get over it either.   It was very difficult that with very few exceptions, none of my aunts and uncles were allowed to acknowledge our wedding.  Father Tom would not marry us and you and dad would not allow my brother Jim to be my best man.  That was a very hurtful time in my life and wish we could have talked it out.  We never did.  You did attend the wedding in Idaho but it was far from the memorable time it should have been.

Pepper and Roderick were born and Bobbie and I went along on our lives.  During that time, you had moved to Colorado and built your dream home in the Rockies.  It was absolutely wonderful to have visited there with the kids.  The highest point of this lap was building the house in River Bluff.  Dad stayed the summer of 1986 and helped build the home.  I wish you could have joined us.  Bobbie’s parents moved to Minnesota from Burley and ended up staying 6 years as they had Scott’s family and Bobbie’s family living there.  We spent that summer building our dream home working  with dad and Jim Fenton.   It was family and it was wonderful.  I don’t know why you didn’t come up for the summer and wish I had bothered ask why.  I didn’t.   It was during that  time that I grew to appreciate and grow to love Bobbie’s parents.  It was not that we talked all that much – but we did play and laugh a lot.  Maybe that’s what you and I didn’t do much of together – laugh.

The best laugh we did have although I don’t recall you laughing was something in the early 1980s and we were visiting Davenport.  I don’t know whose house we were staying at and guess it really doesn’t matter.   Bobbie and I were staying in the basement.  One morning, guessing the time was maybe about 9AM, Bobbie and I were making love.  You came walking into the basement to do some laundry.  You looked over, guessing you were only 15 ft. away with a very puzzled look.  I can only guess why you were puzzled.  You finished your work and returned upstairs – maybe staying only about 1 minute.   We never talked about that either – but we all laugh about it today.

For Thanksgiving, 1993, our family traveled to spend the holiday with my family to in Edina.  Mary Anne’s family was there, Jim’s family was there as were you and dad.  That was the trip you fell into our unprotected stair well, put 2 holes in the wall, broke a 2×4 stud, fell 6 steps  down, and only bruised yourself.  You should have died then and there.  But the worst thing imaginable happed during that visit.  During a raging snow storm on Sunday afternoon, dad, clearly angered and very impatient from not being able to travel, said “I can’t believe I have to waste my time in Minneapolis waiting for the snow to quit” – asking me if I thought it was OK to leave – I said – yes.

In 1995, Pepper graduated from high school.  You and dad traveled to Edina for the graduation, arriving at 3 PM, going to the graduation at 7, having dinner with us at Taco Bell at 9:30 and leaving for Davenport at 10PM.   I will never understand that trip and would have really appreciated an explanation why it was some important to leave.   Dad said he had to get back to oversee the basement renovation…

Bobbie and I separated in 1996 and were divorced in 1998.  Until that time, I don’t believe that you truly could understand and feel my pain.  You began to.  I remember talking to you about Darci.  It was probably the 1^st caring conversation that we ever had and it felt wonderful.

Then cane the family reunion at the Dells, the summer of 2000.   I was trying to get back together with Bobbie, I actually proposed this time and she actually accepted this time.   Things were looking up to get my family back together.   Roderick and Pepper were with us and it was to be a very happy time.   You hired a photographer to take a family picture and when Bobbie got into the picture, you asked her to leave as she was not “family”.  Things went downhill from there, a lot of tears and very hurt feelings that never healed.   We did award Roderick with his Eagle Scout that day and we all hugged, but the feelings were not forgotten.  You were able to reconcile with Bobbie in the years since and I have forgiven you, but those scars will forever be felt by Pepper and Roderick.   Today, I look at that family picture and it brings me great sadness for them.

In the last 8 years, you began to grow enormously.  I am guessing that was because you blessed with 3 more granddaughters.  You did not miss your opportunity to get to know them this time.   Unfortunately, the years had got away and you never really got to know either Pepper or Roderick but you were able to give those granddaughters a wonderful grandmother.   I was most proud of you as you and Bobbie were able to reconcile.   I can only assume you reconciled as she would tell me that she had talked to you on a number of occasions with very positive comments.  I don’t know who made the 1^st effort, but I would like to think it was you trying to say “I was wrong and I am sorry”.   You last saw Bobbie at Pepper’s wedding in 2002.  It was so nice the family together.  I believe you were making up for past sins.  Thank you for making that effort.   It meant so much to me.    Although you didn’t know it, it was during that visit that Bobbie and I went our separate ways.   I met and married Terri in 2003 and purposefully made sure I did not introduce you until after I was married.   You talked to her the day I married her and since that time, both you and Dad made a very strong effort to accept her as family.  Thank you so much for that effort.   She and I love each other very much and we both appreciated your sincere efforts.   I cannot recall one phone call with either you or dad that you both did not say either “Tell Terri we love her, Give Terri a hug for us or Give your wife our love”.

That was very important and appreciated.  I never thanked you.

Once you and Dad got into your 80s, you really lost your energy.   I wanted to talk to you a number of times, but I was unable to start the conversation.   I was angry at both you and dad but I was unable to verbalize my feelings.   By the time I was able to start the conversation, you both lost the ability to defend your actions.   I decided that my time for being angry was passed and I forgave you both.  We never had the discussion.   I wish I was able to clear up my feeling with you both.   That is my loss.

I don’t know how you were as a wife, but to make it 64 years with Dad, you had to have something going for you.

Looking back, and talking to Mary Anne at your funeral, we both commented how pretty you were.   I know that I was always proud of the manner that you kept yourself and always thought that I had the prettiest mom around.   I did.

You could never cook and unfortunately, the microwave, frozen foods, fast foods and the George Foreman were a generation away.  You had to actually “cook” in those years.   The quality was lacking and you never made it to “Grandmother” status, but looking back, we did eat, we always has a meal on the table at 5:30 PM and we could always count on you to be there.   Thank you.

We never had a warm relationship and I don’t know why.   I don’t believe I have a particularly good relationship with my brothers and sister either.  I can only guess that I was not raised to be a very warm and fuzzy person.  Then I look back knowing I was raised to love the Lord.  I look back and see that I was raised to want to raise and love a family and I was raised to make a promise to myself that I would smile at them and make sure my children knew I loved them.    I was raised to want to do better for my family.  I was raised to want to work hard.    As the Marines put it – I wanted to be all that I could be – and I think I actually did it.  I have also been raised to what to be a better and more involved grandfather myself – and I will be that person.

As I say goodbye, I have to say that a mother’s job is never done and that her work with her family can only be measured by what has been left behind.  I look at your children and that all have College degrees and have all been very successful.  They all have wonderful children and families that love each other.  As we say goodbye to you mom, we must thank you and dad for what you did give us and that is life and love, regardless how you showed it.   The last 2 visits I made to Davenport where my most memorable.  For me, I finally felt that I was able to talk to you about your life, yours, dads and mine.   I will cherish those last 2 visits, 2 months before you died.   Maybe I was able to make “peace” with you after all.  Thank you for trying, thank you for staying there with me in my early months of life as I fought Chicken Pox, thanks for not giving up on me when they wanted to hold me back in 6^th grade, thanks for the summer tutor, thanks for taking us to play golf all those summers,  thanks for staying with me in my challenging hours after Dennis Potter’s death, thanks for the $5 dollars a week allowance during college – it wasn’t much but it was truly all I had,  thanks for trying to be grandparents – no one is perfect and it is something you must do better in your next life – please keep an eye on Pepper, Roderick, Mitch and Zen and I will do the same.

Good bye Mom, I really do love you.   / Mike

Thank you for writing that dad.  Here are a few pictures of my Grandma.

This picture was a favorite at the funeral.  Everyone kept saying how wonderful it was.  Grandma, you fought me for 10 minutes, refusing to smile, refusing to put her purse down, and the reason you are laughing is because I finally said I wasn’t going to let you leave without getting one good picture of you both looking at me and smiling and that you both were being more petulant then my baby and it looked like rain and wouldnt it be great if we stood out there arguing long enough that we both got rained on, and that that would be your obituary picture, standing there being stubborn and looking like 2 drowned rats.  And you laughed.

The uncropped original, you’re still holding your purse and refusing to hold Grandpa’s hand!!!

This is you laughing when you think of my putting a drowned rat picture in the paper.  I’m glad I made you laugh.

My Grandparents with my son, their first Great-Grandchild.  My son carries the middle name Michael, just like his uncle, his grandfather, his great-grandfather, and his great-great grandfather.

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 7th, 2009 at 5:48 pm and is filed under Your Moment of Zen. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.